I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
