I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Your penis caused this!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
