My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
