i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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