saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
