i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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