the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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