i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
