You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
