I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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