her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
