dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sorry about my life...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
