Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
