dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
