I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
