Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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