i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
