somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
