He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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