I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
