Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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