There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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