Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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