I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
