We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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