their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
