It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
