i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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