someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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