Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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