id be glad to
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
