i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
