Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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