i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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