It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
