Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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