Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
