maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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