The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
