Well douche your snatch and let's go!
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
