you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
