Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i've created a new STD.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
