Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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