Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
