I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
