If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
