he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
