My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
