I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
