put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
