I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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