Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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