dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
