M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
