I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
