Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
